CardDontShoot

Hey guys. This one is going to be short.

To be frank about my current situation. I feel I am at a point in my life where I kinda feel a mix of hopelessness and lack of "what the hell am I supposed to do". I guess you could call the latter one 'direction'. The last couple months have been a bit of a roller coaster as far as life goes. Single again, quit my job, got into the psych major. Yay (I guess). And have fought off the occasional horrid day here and there. Still, this isn't meant to be my emotional dumping bucket, actually, who knows? Maybe it is. You tell me.

To be perfectly honest I don't even know what I am trying to accomplish as I'm writing (typing) this out. I'm just spilling out what comes to my mind so that all of you (12 or so) can see it in your inbox one day and get on with your lives. Maybe there isn't a point to this. Maybe there is. Maybe I'll find one. I guess we have something to hope for.

Well, the last thing I would like to touch on is that I'm working on something for the 1000 page views. Thanks for that by the way. I think most of them might have been me going over my gallery the past month but meh, it's still something to at least pretend to be happy about.

One last, last thing. I think what might be the worst thing about this. Is that while I am currently staring at my computer screen typing this out. There is that little unicorn in the back of my imagination asking me why I don't just talk to somebody so I can vent. Why am I posting this on dev art anyways? I guess it's because I don't really have somebody to talk to. Though odds are I will after I post this.

I always try to tell myself that while today may really suck. Tomorrow is still going to be there. Well at least today. So. Never lose faith in tomorrow I guess.

God that is a bitch to believe in sometimes.

Hey guys, it has been quite some time since I last posted anything here and to be completely honest I have zero excuse.

The other day I woke up, loaded my standard pages that I browse on the internet and noticed something incredible. I got a new watcher. I was amazed - and still am actually - that I was able to miraculously have somebody want to see more of my work when 1. its not THAT great (believe me I'm happy where I'm going, this isn't like the last post) and 2. I haven't uploaded anything in FOREVER.

But that's not the main point behind all this, well not entirely at least.

Today I was standing in the bank waiting to deposit my rather meager paycheck. For those who don't know I currently make minimum wage, and am lucky enough to get about 14 hours a week. Still I can't complain TOO much since I'm still young (does 20 count?) and live with my folks still. Anyways, as I was sitting there waiting for the person in front of me to finish with what seemed like knitting a blanket it took so long, I realized something. The money that I was putting away wasn't going to make me happy. Sure it was going to let me go out with friends, get some magic cards, and most importantly spend some time with my girlfriend down in Portland. I have to take the train just to see her, sucks, but believe me, its well worth it. But in the end I slowly began to think what I was doing with all my time. I remembered how I told myself that I would put so much time into practicing art, music, or even other things such as reading epic fantasy, or just start running again while listening to bands like Boston, or the Beatles as I crested various hills to just remind myself what it is like to be alive.

All of those haven't happened for a while. And to that, there really isn't a good excuse. I should be spending more time doing what I want to do and not starring at some computer screen while my eventual end creepers ever faster on me. I could go on and on about my own ideas on what that cluster fudge of philosophy is but I'll save that for another journal.

If for whatever reason you are just starting to read here, this is the what I want to say.

Thank you for being patient. Art is on the way.
I used my tablet today and did some vectoring, and it felt SO GOOD!!!!

Also, if it wasn't clear enough already, just do what ya got to do in this life. Not for others, but for yourself. Because at the end of it all, the only thing that matters is if you are happy with yourself.

Thanks for reading.

-Cardoso

Sappy title I know. PREPARE FOR SAPPY ENTRY!

For the last couple days I have been in a pretty emotional slump. In all honesty I shouldn't be complaining at all. I am going through a wonderful time in my life right now. I am going to school for what I want while discovering the fascinating world of psychology (I swear its not because of Cardoso alone, but it is a factor to be sure). So you may be wondering why I am so bummed. Well to that wondering I have an answer. Or at least a bit of the pie that we call life. I am bummed because I thought I wasn't going anywhere with my art. I know what your thinking, "Cardoso, wasn't this what your last journal was about?". And to that I can give a resounding "why... uh... sorta". The reality is that I was down not because I thought my art was bad. It was because I thought it wasn't progressing. Feedback I have been getting has been implying the same flaws, errors, and details that I have struggled with from the very beginning and I can say with complete honesty that hearing that same criticism isn't easy to take. But that doesn't mean it is poor criticism.

To me criticism is a best an after thought that others have on your art. I am going to get so much shit for saying that I can tell already. Their ideas, suggestions, and hopefully encouragement (something I personally feel like I have not had much of lately), should inspire you to keep going and never give up; even when it gets hard. However, this is easier said than done. And this is where I finally give the sappy advice. After reciving the criticism I was not expecting I lost my drive to keep going. I felt like giving up...again. I was so frustrated that I simply could not let it go. But then a very good friend of mine stepped in after realizing just how 'rattled' I was. In essence, he told me to just keep at it. And take the criticism in regards to what you want to achieve. In the past I've had some great feedback given to me on my work! But this also comes with feedback that is less than stellar. And in short, I tried my best to take his advice to heart.

Every time I go through this slump (which happens more often than I'm willing to admit), I tell myself how new I am, how much I have improved, and that having fun is all that matters. And if I need to do that everyday to keep whatever the hell is going on here going I will.

"Pros are the Noobs who never quit" - Mic the microphone. (Probably miss quote my b)

Good night everyone.

Thanks for reading.

-Cardoso


P.S. This journal is in no way attempting to single out an individual. The criticism I am referring to has been given to me by various people countless times. If anything I feel that if we all encouraged a bit more we might have less emo ass journals like this flying around.

For me, the only reason I created this account in the first place was to give my thanks to a digital artist that was moving on with his life. While that artist is still active on his account, given not as much, he was still a major source of inspiration to me to get me into drawing. I could go on and on about how the show, community, and some incredible individuals encouraged me to get involved in the art side of the community regardless of my experience. So I started to draw, and honestly it wasn't the best. But that was okay. It was fun, it was enjoyable and that was all that mattered. When I shared my first full bodied pony (because that is all I can draw) to the drawing school on reddit I didn't exactly get the best feedback. I wasn't expecting praises, but I wasn't expecting the whole "makes my eyes bleed either". I learned to laugh at criticisms like that, and I understand now that the school was truly trying to help me.

And so time went on and I continued to draw more ponies. Given not the best ponies, but ponies non the less! I drew some Lyra, some OC stuff, and some Colgate. No really, a LOT of Colgate. I have no idea why but I love that background pony so damn much but I do (Maybe its the color scheme? /shrug). This incredible cycle continued for two months in that time my love for the fandom and drawing grew more and more. It was around this time I completed what I consider to be my personal best, my Spitfire. While it wasn't the painstaking task I thought it would be, the effort I put into the piece paid off in spades for me eventually. I can't even begin to tell you all how worth it that really was.

But overtime, school and other obligations got in the way. Primarily a rather difficult piece I wanted to create. It was a while since I drew anything from start to finish in less than 2 hours of work so a piece that I only did bits and pieces on was probably not the best idea. But I continued, I kept with it, and soon the scope of the piece was starting to form, there was no meaning behind it really, just more fandom stuff that I wanted to draw. I was never a fan of commissions. To me, I would rather learn so I could draw whatever I wanted later. Sadly, later was not now. In short the piece was kicking my flank. I was getting frustrated, and I was starting to find excuses to not draw anything. Given they were reasonable excuses, I picked up my Viola again and that has been a great source of creative passion for me, but that's not the point of this entry. Overtime drawing was losing it's enjoyability.  Then it happened again, the piece was getting to the point of pure frustration. I was spending hours on the little details in the work, the hair was not natural, the eyes didn't seem right. Everything started to look wrong and the hours I had already spent seemed wasted. I then did something I should not have done. I compared myself to other artists. I looked over all the works they had done and how easy it was for them to create anything they imagined. I knew it wasn't the correct thing to do however. When I was about to give up on the piece a close friend of mine told me I should never compare myself to other artists, otherwise I would drive myself mad. He was spot on.

This had been happening for the past week. The piece was becoming more and more frustrating and it had ruined itself for a second time. The previous revival cost me both time and sanity to go back and clean the sketches I had made. I was ready to call it quits on the piece and leave it all behind. But then something incredible happened. Today as I went to school I brought my sketchpad along with me. I would give it one last try, one last go before I would move on to something fresh and exciting. As I pulled in to my University's parking lot I left my sketchpad in the passenger seat. I made sure the piece was facing up so that it would not smear again. Then, noticing I had psychology soon I walked off to class. What I came back to made my day.

I got back into my car and noticed something on my windshield wipers as I put my keys into the ignition. I thought it was a ticket. Upset that I might have gotten fined even though I had a parking pass and was clearly within my rights to park in the lot, I angrily stormed out to snatch the paper from my wipers. Then I stopped, and realized something. It wasn't a ticket. It was a note. It was praising my piece. A random brony from my school went out of his/her way to write me their appreciation for my work. They even called it "adorable". Sadly, there was no name signed to the note. It only said "From the guy with the little blue truck". I looked around for several minutes for a small truck but I couldn't find one. But it didn't matter. The note had done its job. I was happy again. I took another look at my piece and realized something that I should have a long time ago. It was fine. It wasn't great, but that was okay. I remembered the entertainment it had brought me in the early stages of its conception. From collaborating with my friends in what they wanted their OCs to be like, to even fleshing out what their interactions would probably be with each other. The work may not have been the best, but it did not matter any more, all that mattered was that I was able to convince myself that my long hours of working on the piece were not wasted.

So I went off to a small game/art studio and gave the final touches to my work. While there was much left to be done I knew deep down that I didn't want to keep pursuing it and frustrating myself further. I loved the piece for what it was. It was a sign that I was improving, that I was experimenting, and that I wanted to keep learning how to draw. So today I submitted that piece. It is the mediocre one titled "Friends". I would be lying to you if I said that it was all an enjoyable experience, because if the last few paragraphs didn't tell you, ill just tell you again that it wasn't. But again, that was okay.

I guess what I am trying to say is that even though art can be so incredibly frustrating, it is still important to just keep trying. And to never doubt your own instinct if you feel like you need to move on. I do not regret leaving the piece with so many errors (and believe me there are a TON), but I knew that I would have a more enjoyable time moving on and learning the artistic process with another piece. I still appreciate the time I gave to that work though, and in the end, I was able to add another silly pony image to my gallery. Maybe I will go back and do one of those "1 year later" things. Hopefully I'll still be drawing, and hopefully I will be a bit better by then. But until then, I know I have a lot to learn. And while it is intimidating, as I look through the thousands of devient accounts here, I realized that I can not be the only one who must have gone through this. We all started somewhere, and in the end, it is that pursuit of personal improvement that means the most to me.

I don't know how many people even read these things, but if by chance you do I just want to thank you for supporting the small hole in the wall that I've built myself. Everything from the views, to the favs really does make a difference.

I hope this all finds you well, and that you are able to excuse the noobish opinions of a new aspiring sketch artist.

Best wishes to you all

CardDontShoot